At The Babylon Bee, we are Christian film experts. There’s no horn-tooting involved here; we’re just speaking the truth. So, we decided to leverage our collective experience and brainpower to come up with a list of 23 Christian movies that NEED to be made—like, now. We think you’ll agree with us.
1.) A movie based on amillennial eschatology where nothing happens.
2.) A King James-only pastor is granted an array of supernatural powers after praying the sinner’s prayer for the 490th time. He uses his newfound gifts to soar around the galaxy frying atheists with his heat vision. Kirk Cameron stars.
3.) In a post-apocalyptic world, teens from each of several districts are sent to fight in a Bible trivia contest to the death.
4.) Down on his luck, a seminary professor is forced to cook and sell casseroles to a hot dish cartel on the side to provide for his family.
5.) A ragtag church softball team turns its faltering season around after a three-minute power metal montage and beats the Russian national team for the Olympic gold medal.
6.) A spunky Christian freshman boldly challenges his atheist college philosophy professor to a debate. Rather than taking up valuable class time on the issue, the two exchange emails after class to discuss their differences and come to a better understanding of one another’s beliefs without making a big deal out of it. Meanwhile, the Newsboys play a concert but neither character attends because they don’t really care for the music.
7.) The year is 1981. A group of young, carefree kids plays Dungeons & Dragons. They go to hell.
8.) On a remote research base in Antarctica, a parasitic organism infests various members of the scientific team, causing them to do very un-Christian things like read all the Game of Thrones novels and smoke cigars. Kirk Cameron stars.
9.) John MacArthur moves to a remote mission in Mexico and becomes a famous luchador. Along the way, he meets a band of happy, singing cartoon animals like Solomon the Squirrel and Levi the Llama. Through the power of friendship, the merry band destroys all charismatic Christians in every corner of the globe.
10.) A live-action VeggieTales in which the veggies battle real-world demons like depression and anxiety.
11.) A horde of possessed Willow Tree figurines awakes each night to terrorize their unfortunate owners. The family tries to take them back to Family Christian Stores but they’ve gone out of business.
12.) Jesus of Nazareth and His disciples roam the countryside of ancient Israel, preaching the gospel by day and slaying vampires by night. Kirk Cameron stars.
13.) An inspiring sports movie following the heartwarming tale of R.C. Sproul going out for the 2016 Pittsburgh Steelers. He doesn’t make the team, and screams, “What’s wrong with you people!?” in a climactic confrontation with the general manager.
14.) A wealthy investor tries to create a luxurious theme park on a private island to which kids can come and see real-life cloned dinosaurs in action. But he fails because dinosaur bones were a trick planted by Satan to test our faith. He goes to hell.
15.) An inciting incident drives a major rift between Bibleman and his partner, Psalty the Songbook. Each of the former Bible-friends gathers a super-powered team to fight the other in a bloody civil war. The rapture occurs just before the final fight for budgetary reasons.
16.) After losing a highly publicized MMA fight to Mr. T, Awana mascot Sparky goes back to his roots and trains in his hometown gym. Returning to fight Mr. T in a rematch, Sparky loses again and realizes he should probably just stick to Bible memorization.
17.) Kirk Cameron loses the use of his hands in a devastating car accident. He finds a clan of Tibetan monks that will not only let him use his hands, but will also grant him moderate acting ability. Kevin Sorbo stars.
18.) A group of Christian teens discovers a hot tub that doubles as a time machine, but they don’t go in because they’re Christians.
19.) A NASA astronaut is stranded on Mars. Every Christian on earth comments, “Praying!” on NASA’s Facebook post announcing the dire situation, but no one actually prays for him or sends help. He dies after running out of Martian-grown potatoes.
20.) A boy goes into a coma. He does not have a vision of heaven. He gets better.
21.) Liam Neeson’s daughter is kidnapped by a group of Independent Fundamental Baptists. Neeson is getting too old for this kind of thing and leaves her to her fate of wearing denim skirts and white tennis shoes for the rest of her life.
22.) A pastor is forced to re-live a 14-hour-long staff meeting over and over again until he can show that he has learned how to love, at which point the cosmic forces that entrapped him let him free.
23.) In a thrilling new Left Behind reboot, Jesus raptures the church, but is so annoyed at all the bickering among the different denominations that He immediately raptures everybody back down to earth for another couple thousand years of sanctification.
There you have it. 23 nuggets of solid gold. Can someone get Kirk Cameron on the phone or what?
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