DETROIT, MI—The second night of CNN's Democratic debates was intended to be a substantive debate on policy but quickly descended into a tense minimum wage bidding war.
It began when Cory Booker suggested a $15 minimum wage and was immediately shouted down for being a Christian-sympathetic bigot. Other candidates started shouting higher and higher numbers, each trying to one-up everyone else.
The frantic CNN host quickly took on the role of auctioneer.
"$15, do I hear $15, $15! Fifteen dollars is the current bid, $20 do I hear $20... $20 to the woman in the white suit, $25, do I hear $25, thank you to the elderly man sniffing the woman in the white suit's hair, $25, $25 is the current bid," he began breathlessly as the bidding kicked off.
At one point Andrew Yang shouted out $1000, causing a gasp to be heard from the other bidders. He later clarified he was just saying everyone should get $1000, not putting in a bid of $1000/hour, but it was too late. Everyone continued the bidding from $1000, driving the bid well into the five-digit range within just a few minutes.
At the end of the intense bidding war, Joe Biden came out on top with a bid of $1.4 million per hour.
"Sold to the geriatric man giving a massage to the lady in pink, thank you sir!" the CNN host concluded.