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We did the research, and the results are in: there's no possible way to be happy or successful in life unless you go into crushing debt to attend a 4-year university. Still not convinced? Here are 7 reasons you MUST go to college if you ever hope to be successful in life!
1. Attending college will ensure you enter the workforce with almost zero of those annoying practical skills: Practical skills are for those working-class peasants who make 200K per year installing HVAC systems. You don't need that.
2. You'll amass mounds of crippling debt, which is a great life lesson in poor decision making: Plus, crippling student loan debt will keep you from buying a house, which is good because houses are a lot of work.
3. You might meet your future spouse passed out in a puddle of vomit at a party: And if you get married, you can start your life with 2 times the student loan debt! The American dream!
4. Unlimited frozen yogurt at the food court: Only $40,000 per year.
5. You get to experience the joy of paying $300 for a textbook on gender studies you'll never read: And after you graduate, you can look forward to a lifetime of fundraising calls to help students pay for their $300 gender studies books!
6. Learn new life hacks: like putting Bounce dryer sheets behind a fan to overcome the smell of your roommate who never showers. Invaluable knowledge!
7. If you acquire a graduate degree, Starbucks might let you become a shift manager: you can match the career earnings of a postman when you're 56, and really make bank in your 60s!
Need we say more? There's no question that a college degree is your ticket to success. Now get out there and make your mark on the world! And please, no whip on my latte.
NOT SATIRE: Praxis is a year-long program that matches you with a full-time, paid apprenticeship at a growing business. The program offers a direct route into high-potential careers for driven young people without the cost and hassle of college. Babylon Bee readers can earn a $1,000 tuition scholarship to a 2021 cohort and join hundreds of successful college opt-outs. Click here for a free book on personal growth and scholarship information.