TIBET—Deep within the forests, beyond the rushing waters, and upon the highest hill of the lowest valley, Donald J. Trump has awoken and reached enlightenment. Permanently banned from Twitter, Trump has now found the time to search deep within and tackle the world’s largest problems ailing humanity.
“I have achieved a tremendous enlightenment, maybe the biggest ever,” said Trump after meditation. “I can see everything now with clean, beautiful clarity.”
After reality sunk in that his days spent tweeting were no more, Trump realized that he had more time in his day than ever before. He searched for meaning to fill the void of Twitterlessness to no avail and thus began his journey around the world in search of answers.
Now in his ascendant state, Trump has effortlessly discovered the answers to many of life’s biggest problems. “Hunger? Easy! Famine? No problem! War? I thought I already solved that one as president? Anyway, that one’s easy compared to cancer. That one took me almost an hour to crack," he said.
“Twitter held me back from obtaining my full potential. But to be honest with you, frankly, I would’ve figured this all out anyway,” explained Trump. “Now I am powerfully enlightened, full of light like never before.”
Despite achieving such wisdom and understanding, Trump still prefers Diet Coke as his beverage of choice. Eager to not miss out on the hidden knowledge, the world quickly adopted Diet Coke as the only drink available.
Our team tried reaching out to him at Mar-a-Lago for comment, but he had already moved on to reversing old age, fixing LA traffic, eliminating the need for exercise, and ending social media.