HAMILTON, OH—Blaine Caskill woke up Tuesday morning from a night of drinking copious amounts of alcohol to discover he had placed a massive order from Amazon for books from a host of Arminian, open theist, liberal, and other authors having little to do with Caskill’s frequently-proclaimed Calvinist views.
“Oh man,” Caskill reportedly mumbled. “Oh man. Man. Oh man. What is this? Greg Boyd? Furtick’s Unqualified? Whoa, how trashed was I?”
Caskill, who remembered nothing concrete of the previous evening beyond posting a triumphant picture of his glass of Glenmorangie scotch to his Reformed Facebook group page, vainly tried to remember what led him to ordering nearly $800 in books from a dizzying array of authors that could not possibly be more outside his much-asserted Reformed faith.
“I am such an idiot, I am such an idiot,” repeated Caskill, still intoxicated, gazing at the email from the online store confirming his purchase of Joseph Prince’s book Destined to Reign as he carelessly brushed the Broken Truck empties off his computer desk.
Attempting to retrace his steps, it appeared as if Caskill’s drunken purchases began a few minutes after midnight, with a copy of The Essential Brian McLaren and Joyce Meyer’s God’s Not Mad At You. Amazon’s records showed 27 minutes later, he purchased 12 copies of Priscilla Shirer’s Fervent, with a custom gift message on the receipt reading “FOR My futurr wife and daughrtir I LOVE YOU SO MUCH”. At just past 2 a.m., Caskill’s order history showed a purchase including Most Moved Mover, The Circle Maker, Jesus Calling, The Jesus Calling 365 Devotional, Jesus Te Llama (Mr. Caskill does not speak Spanish), and a considerable number of one-cent plus shipping titles from Brian Houston.
In a string that seemed to challenge all five points Caskill frequently espouses almost exclusively by recycled memes, the Young, Restless, and Reformed man appeared to have then sporadically ordered a number of various titles until 4 a.m., when his browsing history showed he visited web pages including that of a local microbrewery, Rachel Held Evans’ blog, and a site listing dates in his area for the upcoming BELONG tour.
Finally and perhaps most embarrassing for Caskill was the discovery he had also bid on and won an autographed copy of the T.D. Jakes tome Woman, Thou Art Loosed, for which he paid several hundred dollars.
“I was so wasted last night!” the still-blisteringly-drunk Caskill cried out, before being moved to deep, tearful repentance over his purchases.