Alfred Asparagus Files $250 Million Defamation Lawsuit Against Rumor Weed

BUMBLYBURG—Claiming that the plant's false statements caused irreparable damage to his reputation, local butler Alfred Asparagus filed a $250 million defamation lawsuit against the Rumor Weed in Bumblyburg Superior Court Thursday morning.

Junior Asparagus and Laura Carrot are also named as defendants in the suit.

According to Asparagus, the Rumor Weed publicized an unsubstantiated rumor that he was a dangerous robot with lasers for eyes, running with the narrative before all the facts had come in.

"My client simply stated he had to recharge his batteries," said Asparagus' legal counsel, high-profile attorney Nebby K. Nezzer. "The two youths named in our suit then assumed he was a robot; however, nothing may have come of the false statements if it hadn't been spread around town in numerous slanderous statements by the defendant, Ms. Rumor Weed."

The suit alleges that Weed "knowingly and maliciously" spread the false rumor about Alfred, including "totally fabricated" details such as a claim that he has a microchip brain and "terribly cold skin." Grainy VHS tape footage obtained by investigators showed the weed gleefully singing songs repeating the rumor to various Bumblyburg citizens.

"When we look at the statements of Ms. Weed, it's obvious that she took delight in spreading this rumor," Nezzer said. "I can attribute her statements to nothing other than malice, which is also evidenced by the fact that she transformed into a giant destructive weed and attempted to destroy Bumblyburg."

"This is a rock-solid case," Nezzer added.

Weed has not issued a public statement, which may be because she exploded into a giant flower.

Get Free Access To Our Brand New Site: Not the Bee

After creating The Babylon Bee in six literal days, Adam Ford rested. But he rests no longer. Introducing Not the Bee — a brand new humor-based news site run by Adam himself. It's loaded with funny content and all the best features of a social network. And the best part? Everyone with a subscription to The Bee gets full access at no extra cost.

Get FREE Access

*with premium subscription to The Babylon Bee

There is 1 comment on this article.

You must become a premium subscriber or login to view or post comments on this article.