SEATTLE, WA—Just days after the announcement that it would purchase grocer Whole Foods, American conglomerate Amazon.com Inc declared Tuesday that it has decided to “just buy the entire world and everything in it” for $450 trillion, in what is being seen as a major step forward in the company’s plan to touch every part of every consumer’s life.
The deal will bring the planet Earth, all of its land, water, and natural resources, as well as all man-made structures, products, infrastructure, and currency therein under control of the famous internet company. “Everything in the world will belong to Amazon,” one industry analyst said.
“We are very pleased to be bringing the entire planet under the Amazon umbrella,” CEO Jeff Bezos said in an interview about the purchase Tuesday. “We see this acquisition as vital to our stated goal of being obsessively customer-centric.”
“But, as always, we will keep a long-term view, and will not rest on our laurels. There are trillions and trillions of other planets to colonize and acquire,” he added.
Breaking: PayPal Now Available
Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered PayPal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added PayPal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.