Seattle, WA—Unsatisfied with control of 83% of the global book market, Amazon today introduced a new robot for the home that could recognize and yeet any books containing misinformation, whether they were bought from the corner bookstore, borrowed from Dennis Prager, or dug up from your prepper cousin’s time capsule stash that you were sure was a crazy idea three years ago.
“We’re excited to introduce yet another revolutionary smart home innovation,” said Jeff Bezos, speaking via video link from his orbiting Amazon Happy Family Dream Station Satellite and Death Laser Platform. “With almost total control over any printed material in any household, we can guarantee that your smart home will never be too smart. Bwa-hahahahahaha!”
Dubbed the “cAstro,” the device features all-terrain wheels and an extendable titanium slapping hand that’s capable of dislodging even the largest copy of “Free to Choose.” It’s infrared camera can locate copies of “When Harry Became Sally” in almost total darkness, even if it’s wrapped in a “White Fragility” book jacket and buried under a pile of Barack Obama autobiographies.
Amazon did not release a retail price for the robot, but a company spokesperson said that they weren’t concerned about price because market research has shown that Americans will buy almost any device as long as you can use voice commands to tell it to make fart noises.
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