NEW YORK, NY—Planned Parenthood has hired a new president and spokesperson: Anakin Skywalker. The women's "health" organization was reportedly looking for new leadership that could really improve the speed and efficiency with which they slaughter children. But they were having trouble finding anyone who hates kids as much as they do.
But then, after reviewing footage of the way Skywalker deals with younglings, they realized they could increase their rate of abortions significantly with Skywalker at the helm. "We're pretty brutal and savage, but this Skywalker kid is on another level," said one Planned Parenthood PR rep.
A Planned Parenthood executive reached out to Skywalker via Holovid.
“Hey Mr. Skywalker, we’re all really big fans of your work. I mean the way you took out the lives of those innocent, undesirable Jedi scum was really something,” said Planned Parenthood executive board member Alexis McGiddly, dressed in a black cloak that obscured his face. “Not everyone can do that, you know. To be able to go through with killing people that are that young without remorse—it’s a gift.”
“So we wanted to offer you a job. Join us and together we can rid the galaxy of these infernal 'babies'."
“All I care about is saving Padme. Is it possible to learn of this power? Tell me what I must do, Master,” said Anakin kneeling before the Planned Parenthood exec.
"He's really promising," said McGiddly. "He's supposed to be the chosen one."