U.S.—Amid cries from the atheist community for products that are more sensitive to their worldview, Angel Soft® brand toilet paper has announced a brand new line of products specifically for those who know God isn't real—called "Devil Hard."
"This is the roughest, most painful toilet paper money can buy," said company CEO Bob Wipen. "It feels like the stingers of 1000 demon-possessed fire ants, or sandpaper that's been soaked in alcohol, or the bark of a poisonous thorny tree. We can assure you that with every wipe, you will be reminded that there is no God and life is completely meaningless."
Prominent atheists have endorsed the new product.
"Using it made me feel more powerless, insignificant, and empty than the last time I looked in a telescope," said cosmologist Lawrence Krauss. "If there was a God, why would he allow my butt to feel such intense pain when I use Devil Hard toilet paper? Checkmate!"
Richard Dawkins also weighed in. "This toilet paper is like something an ape or a chimp would use, and that's all we are, so this is perfect!"
Devil Hard® toilet paper will be available on store shelves for free-thinkers this November.