HEAVEN—Every time a Democrat sees the light of conservative values, the angels in heaven rejoice.
Such was the case this week when Rep. Jeff Van Drew announced he would be switching parties due to the push for impeachment.
"How could I have been so blind before?" a weepy Van Drew pondered aloud to the press. "I once was lost but now am found -- was blind but now I'm GOP."
Van Drew said he was walking on the road to Capitol Hill when a light shone down from heaven, blinding him. A voice "that sounded kinda like Mike Pence" boomed, saying, "Jeff, Jeff, why are you impeaching my good and faithful servant, Donald Trump?"
"Who are you?" a bewildered Van Drew asked, falling to the ground.
"I am Jesus, whom you are opposing by being a Democrat."
"What do you want me to do?"
"Arise and go to Capitol Hill. Switch parties and become a Republican, as the Bible says. Peace out."
As soon as Rep. Van Drew declared he would be repenting of his Democratic ways and embracing the light of Republicanism, angels in the spiritual realm began blasting their trumpets, playing their lyres, and striking up the violins. They played the time-honored hymn "Make America Great Again," according to sources.
Breaking: PayPal Now Available
Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered PayPal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added PayPal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.