HOUSTON, TX—According to sources, Pastor Joel Osteen entered his Lakewood Church today, only to find the lobby filled with tables with Bibles on them for free—tables that could be covered with his books and merchandise for sale.
Joel Osteen immediately became full of a self-righteous anger, and began to drive out all the worshipers from the church. He overturned the tables and chairs where people were reading and giving away Bibles and scattered away those kneeling in prayer at the altar.
He said to them, “My house will be called a house of profit, but you are making it a den of prayer!” He slammed shut every open Bible and demanded they start tithing more at once.
Osteen’s anger was deepened as he saw the neglected stacks of his books Become A Better You and Your Best Life Now. He fashioned a whip out of his collectible neckties and drove all from the Lakewood sanctuary and into the gift shop.
Joel Osteen insisted that once everyone purchased all of his books and signed up for the Lakewood subscription plan that they could leave in peace.
Chris Smitherson has a problem: he's unvaccinated -- which means he's left out of all activities as he doesn't have COVID like his vaccinated friends. Thoughts and prayers.