LOS ANGELES, CA—The Los Angeles Angels may currently be dead last in the AL West, but they are having no attendance problems whatsoever, thanks to smart marketing and enticing giveaways for those willing to make the trip down to Angel Stadium. One example is the franchise’s Fedora Giveaway Night, hosted Saturday, which packed the stands with waves of local militant atheists looking to freshen up their hardcore atheist style with a brand-new, lightweight, crushable fedora.
A local news station caught up with one fan who happens to be president of the local Atheists Against God (AAG) chapter, Carl Walker, who said, “This is a great night for our brave atheist warriors to take a break from fighting the good fight against the God that doesn’t exist. We’re glad the Angels—which is a stupid name for a sports team, obviously—but we’re glad they’re acknowledging that they appreciate their atheist fan base by giving out these fedoras. We exist, we’re here, and we’re proud of it—unlike that supposed imaginary sky fairy flat-earthers believe in.”
Walker then handed the reporter a tract communicating the good news that life is pointless and asked him to sign a petition to get the Angels’ team name changed to something “more realistic.”
According to park officials, the large crowd was fairly well-behaved for the duration of the game against the Yankees, reportedly due to an innate moral code written on the hearts of each of the roughly 37,000 fans in attendance.