AUBURN, LA—Children at First Baptist Church Of Auburn were reportedly awed and excited Sunday morning to learn about Jesus’s first recorded miracle, wherein the Savior instantly transformed over a hundred gallons of water into delicious grape juice.
“Isn’t that amazing?” their Sunday School teacher reportedly said as she placed another piece on the flannelgraph in front of the class. “They were in danger of running out of grape juice, and Jesus saved the party by making jars and jars of the stuff—all from plain ol’ water!”
“The people at the wedding would have been really unhappy without their Juicy Juice!” she added.
One misguided Presbyterian child visiting from a neighboring state reportedly raised his hand and told the teacher that the way he learned the story, Jesus had turned the water into a delicious, high-ABV Merlot. The child was asked to stand in the hallway for the remainder of the lesson.
At publishing time, the teacher had teased next week’s Bible story, wherein the storied biblical patriarch Noah had one too many glasses of Welch’s and lay down in his tent with a tummy-ache.