NASHVILLE, TN—The Southern Baptist Convention passed a resolution today that true Baptists will use only non-alcoholic hand sanitizer.
The SBC encouraged member churches to sign the pledge, available on the convention's website, not to use any hand sanitizer with "even a hint" of alcohol in its chemical makeup. The SBC is also offering a "Verified Alcohol-Free" stamp to hand sanitizers that pass its rigorous inspection process, so Baptists will know they are getting the purest possible product.
"The devil has influenced many in our culture to use the devil's hand sanitizer, filled with enough alcohol to get one a little tipsy," said Southern Baptist minister Jedd Harpins. "The Bible says let us not be filled with wine but instead be filled with the Spirit. And the Holy Spirit can't get inside you if you're all slathered up with alcohol. He hates the stuff."
"Frankly, we don't care if you wash your hands with plain water or grape juice -- just make sure it's alcohol-free."
The Baptists also warned that using too much of the alcoholic hand sanitizer can make you tipsy and maybe cause you to commit little sins or big ones like dancing.