U.S.—Baptists across the nation excitedly prepared to ring in the new year with their finest bottles of apple cider.
"This is a 2019 vintage -- very good year," said Pastor Bud Hamplock in Iowa as he showed off his apple cider cave to members of his congregation. "I've been saving this for a special occasion, like the opening of a Chick-fil-A. But they're out of the picture now, so I've decided we're gonna enjoy this tonight to celebrate another great year."
Those Baptist believers who choose to exercise their Christian liberty in order to partake in apple cider dusted off their finest bottles and selected other high-end beverages. Some even got ready to celebrate with some bubbly LaCroix or a little Perrier.
Baptist authorities urged caution, however, reminding believers that drinking Martinelli's to excess can result in impaired judgment, which might cause one to dance.
"You don't want to have a sugar hangover all day on January 1," said Pastor Ed Lardington. "A glass or two of apple cider is more than enough for a strong believer in Christ. Let's keep each other accountable so we don't end up looking silly swaying and gyrating and dabbing and macarena-ing all over the place. That would bring dishonor to the Lord."
Breaking: Paypal Now Available
Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered Paypal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added Paypal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.