So you want to be an internet celebrity, Christian? Of course you do. Everyone does. Who wouldn’t want to be famous? Well, you’re in luck, because we at The Babylon Bee know how to help you become a major influencer in no time. Apply these five tips to your life and you’ll be well on your way to becoming an internet rock star.
Make sure everything is about you. This is your show, Christian. You’re the star. Your audience needs to hear about your life and see your soon-to-be-famous face so often that it makes them nauseous. They need Facebook Live videos of you rambling about whatever “God has laid on your heart,” dramatic spoken-word videos, Twitter commentary dripping with the latest internet slang, and selfies—so many selfies. Everything should be about how you feel. Everyone needs to know how you feel about everything. You might as well take a sec to share how this article is making you feel on all your social media channels right now. Go ahead, we’ll wait.
Use a profile pic from 10 years ago that you look absolutely nothing like anymore. Look, we’re not trying to be insensitive here, but take a quick gander in the mirror. Is that a face that screams “I deserve to be world famous”? But oh—remember that one photo someone took of you a decade ago where you looked soooo good? Make that one your profile pic and leave it there for the rest of your life. Don’t worry about the fact that it doesn’t resemble you at all anymore and when you share a selfie containing you and two of your friends, a new follower won’t be able to pick out which one is you based on your profile pic.
Avoid or be extremely vague about anything that is even slightly controversial. This is important. You should never type or utter a single thing that could make even one follower of yours so much as crinkle their nose. Homosexuality, abortion, hell, pineapple on pizza, or whatever the hot topic of that day is—steer clear. And if you’re forced to comment on something, be super vague. For instance, on LGBT acceptance in the church, you could say something like, “I love people, and sweet tea, and puppies. I want to hug all of you until you fall asleep in my arms!” Nailed it.
Share your latest content link a minimum of 20 times daily for a month. You wrote a new blog post—cool—and now you need all several hundred of your social media followers to see it. How are you going to get that done? That’s right, you need to blast that link out like your followers’ lives depend on it. They will be so sad if they somehow miss it, so once per hour is the bare minimum. Rapid fire that thing like you’re a link-shooting gatling gun blasting away at your own obscurity.
Just beg. Seriously, if all else fails, just beg. Share videos of yourself pleading desperately for internet notoriety. Explain to the people that you cannot live with yourself unless they share your post right now, and keep sharing until you have a sizable social media following, people across the web know your name, and you sometimes get recognized at the mall.
There you have it, Christian. Follow this advice and you’ll be on your way to being a Christian internet celebrity. You’ll have hordes of social media followers and people will be hanging on your every word. You’ll probably get book deals, a speaking tour, and maybe even a TV show. Nothing can stop you. You’re going to be rich and famous, friend. For the glory of God alone, of course.