WASHINGTON, D.C.—Joe Biden is trying to run for President of the United States of America. The difficulty, however, of campaigning for President is compounded by the fact that he suffers from a severe, untreatable form of memory loss. Although he can still recall all of the women he’s sniffed and can quote every episode of Matlock verbatim, he cannot remember what he just said fifteen minutes ago, who he is, where he’s going, or why.
“It’s like waking… it’s like you just woke up.” said Biden explaining his condition. Just when campaign manager Greg Schultz suggested ending his campaign, the former Vice President had an idea. Unfortunately, he forgot what that idea was entirely and had to wait for another one. “AHA!” yelled Joe, wasting no time in writing this one down, “I’ll get tattoos of all of the things I need to know to help me run for the thing!”
Biden hopes that these tattoos will help him remember his name, the office he’s running for, and of course, “orange man bad”. Some tattoos reminded him he’s been in politics his entire life promising change, but to just keep saying this time will be different. Others were useful daily reminders like “Don’t be creepy”, “Toothpaste is not food”, and “Don’t say racist things”. His aides remain doubtful that this will be enough.
“We all need mirrors to remind ourselves who we are,” said Biden, unbuttoning his shirt to read his new ink. “That or large donations from foreign countries.”