WILMINGTON, DE—Fans nervously gathered by the dozens on Thursday to hear Joe Biden's historic acceptance speech at the Democratic National Convention. After 20 minutes, supporters and Democrats across the nation were blown away by Biden's ability to make it through a coherent speech without forgetting who he was or falling asleep.
As the Biden delivered his final words, Democrats exhaled and erupted in rapturous applause, their abysmal expectations shattered.
"I can't believe it! He actually did it!" one campaign staffer exclaimed. "It's taken weeks to prepare for this event. We had to make sure and remove any distractions, such as heads of hair, or shiny objects from the stage. We surrounded him with teleprompters which included colorful pictures. He practiced reading the speech 1,200 times. We've been pumping him full of various drugs for 3 days to keep him more lucid. All our hard work paid off!"
"This is an inspiring story of bravery and strength in the face of senility," said NBC anchor Chuck Todd. "If Biden did this, imagine what he can do for this country!" Todd said through tears of joy.
"What did I miss?" asked Biden after walking down the steps of the stage as fireworks exploded in the sky. "Say, what a swell 4th of July show they put on around here! Reminds me of the good ol' days at the segregated five and dime down the street where we used to get our soda-pop! Corn Pop and the boys used to give me and Judy-Mae some real trouble there." He was quickly whisked away by a team of attendants.
Sources in the campaign say that Biden is now taking a well-deserved nap and will be preserved on ice until the next public appearance.