SCRANTON, PA—At a town hall event Thursday night, Biden claimed that Donald Trump is responsible for all deaths throughout human history since the dawn of creation.
"Cain and Abel? That was Trump. Genghis Khan? Trump. Black Death? Yep, you guessed it: Trump," Biden said, carefully reading off his teleprompter. "It's science. You can't argue with science. Do you know who tries to argue with science? Dummies, that's who. And you don't want to be a dummy."
At this point, his teleprompter malfunctioned.
"You know, a ventriloquist came through our town with a dummy back in, oh, 1945 or so. Right after the war. Nice guy! The dummy, that is. The ventriloquist was kind of a meanie. We used to play tricks on him, giving him turnip juice and telling him it was moonshine. We were quite the ne'er-do-wells back then. A real gang of rapscallions."
The teleprompter kicked back in.
"As your president, I promise to make sure there is no more death. I will eradicate it for good on day one of my presidency. Why didn't Trump ever do something like this? I'll tell you why: because he is a dummy."
"Oh no," muttered an aide.
"You know, a ventriloquist came through our town with a dummy..."