WASHINGTON, DC—With new staff being added to his flourishing campaign every week, Joe Biden's advisory staff has devised a new guideline for women on the team: wearing backward wigs.
Campaign advisor Shelly Turlock explained, "While Joe is known for his 'come up behind you and affectionately smell your hair,' signature greeting, those videos keep showing up online and turning into video-montages. We've tried to tell him to stop, he just won't. We also tried telling staff to turn and back away as soon as they felt him close, but he was just too sneaky." Turlock says they even tried putting mirrors all over the campaign offices so that everyone had a complete 360 awareness of their surroundings at all times. "He still managed to sneak a sniff. He's very good," Turlock said.
Turlock says the new backward wig policy has worked very well in keeping Biden from sneaking up on women. "They see him coming a mile away," Turlock said. "Sometimes they see him tip-toeing around behind office plants or hiding behind a rolling office chair. We all get a real kick out of it. As soon as he goes in for the sniff they say, 'Hi Joe.'"
While the policy has helped stop Joe from stealth hair-inhaling attacks, members of his team have noticed he has grown quicker and more aggressive. "We think the wigs are having an unforeseen effect. Everywhere Joe looks there is a luscious head of hair for him to sniff, yet he is stopped every time he is about to get a whiff. This is making him grow more ravenous as the supply of inhalable hair has increased while the instances of gratification have decreased," said Marty Gander, another member of Biden's team who developed the backward wig policy. "We are working on getting faces made to put on the back of everyone's heads. That way he won't be so overwhelmed by the sheer volume of women's hair surrounding him any time he stops by. We just don't have the budget right now."
While female staff says having wig hair covering their faces is a nuisance, there have been few complaints. "It's a worthy trade-off not to be ambushed by Biden breath in your ear out of nowhere. It helps me stay on track and remember why I came here in the first place. I'm working to elect a great candidate not be snorkeled relentlessly by a man who smells like fig newtons and anchovies."
Other staff agrees. "That's exactly what he smells like. Fig Newtons and anchovies, spot on."
Turlock says they'll keep using the wigs as long as it works. "We were in a real bind, thinking we were going to have to shave everyone's heads at one point." Biden had told his advisors that if they don't go on and delete the YouTube videos of him sniffing hair they'd all be fired. "He doesn't know how the internet works." Their jobs were in jeopardy and it seemed inevitable that they would have to resort to surrounding Joe with bald women.
"So far everyone has been able to keep their hair. The wig idea has been a godsend."