DURHAM, NC—Billionaire Michael Bloomberg came up with a genius plan to destroy Democratic rival Bernie Sanders: give him a billion dollars.
Bloomberg waited in a Sanders campaign office ahead of the socialist's next rally and leaped out as soon as Sanders walked in, handing over a briefcase full of cash before Sanders knew what was happening. As soon as the money was handed over, the time-space paradox of Bernie Sanders now being a billionaire caused him to explode.
"I'm a billionaire? Billionaires shouldn't exist. I SHOULDN'T EXIST!" Bernie screamed as he burst into flames. "Noooooooo!!!"
"All I wanted was to eeeeaaat theeeee riiiiiich," he groaned as he disappeared from existence.
He was burnt to a crisp, melting to the floor like a Nazi opening the Ark of the Covenant, though more Communisty.
It was unclear what would become of the billion dollars. Sanders did not reportedly have a will leaving his assets to charity since he was unfamiliar with the concept of being generous with his own money.