WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a surprise press conference, President Donald Trump announced he has captured long-time fugitive the Roadrunner.
“This pest has long eluded even our best and brightest coyotes,” Trump told the press. “But he is finally in U.S. custody because he couldn’t outsmart me, Trump. I could teach those coyotes a thing or two.”
For decades, there have been many disastrous attempts to capture the roadrunner, most famously during the Carter administration, when a catapult backfired and smashed much of the White House (which Ronald Reagan made a big campaign issue in 1980). It is unknown how Trump finally caught the Roadrunner, but unconfirmed witnesses claim it may have been by dressing up as a lady roadrunner and then hitting the Roadrunner with a bat.
“Let everyone who has been plagued by the sound of ‘Meep! Meep!’ rest easy, knowing that the White House chef is currently finding his best recipe for cooking roadrunner,” Trump further announced.
A manhunt is still underway for notorious border crosser and cheese thief Speedy Gonzales, who Trump claims is a member of MS-13.