MIAMI—Burger King will soon require all employees to show proof of vaccination against Hepatitis A before clocking into work. The popular fast-food chain, burdened in recent months by a national labor and supply shortage, is hoping to solve all of its problems by keeping whatever employees they still have alive.
"Hepatitis A spreads primarily through food and drinks contaminated by fecal matter," commented CDC Public Relations Associate Chelsea Darabont. "And as everyone knows, everything you buy at Burger King is contaminated by fecal matter. Forcibly inoculating their employees is sure to save dozens of lives."
Burger King's CEO, his Royal Highness King Burger, sent out a crier to proclaim his sovereign message: "All vassals must hereby comply with this ruling. If thou be immunized previously, ye shall take a booster."
Though the majority of people are vaccinated for Hepatitis A shortly after birth, the King of Burgers has worked out a deal with vaccine manufacturer, Pfizer, to develop an unnecessary booster he can use to maintain control over his serfs.
In addition to its employee vaccine mandate, Burger King is issuing additional guidance to customers to protect their safety and avoid buying food at Burger King at all costs.
Chris Smitherson has a problem: he's unvaccinated -- which means he's left out of all activities as he doesn't have COVID like his vaccinated friends. Thoughts and prayers.