SACRAMENTO, CA—California is offering free healthcare to illegal immigrants, once again becoming the first state in the nation to enact a wacky proposal that sounds like the right's satire of the left and not an actual policy.
But Governor Gavin Newsom was quickly forced to clarify that the free healthcare offer only applies to immigrants who've made it safely out of the womb. Immigrants who are still in the womb are still subject to killing at a moment's notice.
"We wanted to do the compassionate thing here," Newsom said at a press conference. "We have to pay for the healthcare of people who are coming here illegally, even though many of our own citizens don't have healthcare coverage."
Newsom said that once the announcement was made, however, unborn immigrant babies got the idea that they would be safe, protected, and cared for in the state. "Nothing could be further from the truth," he clarified. "If you're not born, you're fair game for having your brains suctioned out." The governor recommended that unborn babies evacuate the womb "as quickly as possible" in order to qualify for the free healthcare offer.
"If I were you, I'd be hightailing it out of there, because, hoo boy---we'll kill ya."