SACRAMENTO, CA—Governor Gavin Newsom was reportedly sitting around in his office with nothing to do Tuesday, which is a problem for a guy whose job it is to meddle in people's lives.
But then Newsom got an idea: "Why don't we fashion a rainbow flag for our public school students and have them bow down to it whenever some music plays?" So he called up the state legislature and by the late afternoon, the bill was signed into law: all students are now required to bow before a large rainbow flag whenever a special, all-LGBT trumpet band plays at their public schools.
The trumpets will play Lady Gaga's "Born This Way." "Students of every gender, this is what you are commanded to do: As soon as you hear the sound of the Prophetess Gaga singing, you must fall down and worship the sky cloth of many colors," Newsom proclaimed. "Whoever does not fall down and worship will immediately be thrown into a flaming furnace."
"And not the fabulous kind of flaming!" he added quickly. "More like the hot and burny kind."
The furnaces will double as a place to dispose of offending plastic straws.
One group of students who refused to worship were thrown into the furnace but did not burn, and a figure who looked like Donald Trump was standing with them in the fire.