SACRAMENTO, CA—In conjunction with Governor Gavin Newsom's "stay at home" order, the State of California will be unleashing a new state law enforcement agency tasked with carrying out the spirit of the order that no one anywhere even think of doing anything remotely fun at all and remain inside their locked homes feeling nothing but boredom and sadness.
The new agency is being called Law Advocates for Merriment Enforcement, or L.A.M.E. for short.
LAME has been given authority to wear official-looking uniforms like real police officers and re-purposed school hall monitor sashes to really make them feel like they are doing important work.
“It’s important for the officers’ morale to wear official-looking uniforms,” said California Highway Patrol Commissioner Warren Stanley. “Otherwise they might feel like they are just harassing people or harming them with harsh fines for no good reason.”
“It’s hard work, but it’s worth it if it saves just one life,” he added.
It was necessary to create a new agency to handle the massive volume of newly criminalized behaviors in addition to all the normal voluntary behavior covered by the other laws on the books that infringe on the people’s civil liberties in California.
“Did you see all that sand that got poured into the skate park?” Commissioner Stanley asked with a grin. “Oh yeah, that was LAME.”
In a daring daytime raid of another local skate park, officers busted two teenagers who were riding around on their skateboards as if there wasn’t a state order direct from Gavin Newsom which overruled their right to the pursuit of happiness.
“It is really important that the people let the experts control their lives,” said Governor Gavin Newsom. “SCIENCE, and that is spelled in all capitals by the way, must dictate how we live our lives.”
At publishing time, officers from LAME were patrolling city streets, public parks, and beaches across the state to ensure that everyone was being safe and not experiencing any happiness at all.