CALIFORNIA—After suffering through plagues of earthquakes, darkness, and fire, many Californians reportedly sacrificed a lamb and painted the blood on their doorposts "just in case."
Californians were seen taking the blood and painting it over their doorposts in an attempt to avoid whatever God's next planned plague for the state is. The citizens of the left-coast hellscape said they fear God may next send locusts, frogs, festering boils, or an angel of Death to kill their firstborn fur baby. But whatever horrors God has planned for California, they want to be ready.
"You know, with all the plagues God has been hitting us with, it can't hurt to take some extra precautions," said Bucky Slater of Huntington Beach as he went outside and began painting some blood around his door. "I sure hope he doesn't send frogs. It's like, frogs! Why'd it have to be frogs! Those poor frogs are probably endangered too. We should pass a law against that kind of thing."
Slater then yelped and ran inside as he saw the Pacific Ocean turning to blood, though it later turned to just be a reflection of the orange clouds hovering over the area.
Unfortunately, most Californians used vegan lamb's blood and so will not be safe from God's next plague.