PORTLAND, OR—Portland Christian University has announced plans to open the Calvin School of Bearded Theology. Gus Warfield, D. Min., has been named inaugural dean for the school, which will open next fall.
In a press release, Dean Warfield stated that the school’s degrees in bearded theology will require similar courses of study found in other theology schools. Its distinctive will be in its emphasis on facial hair throughout the program, from admission and curricular programming to degree conferral. “We are committed to an understanding that serious theological study requires serious facial hair. Whiskers express a literal commitment to the authority of the church historical, while connoting a belief that the old days truly were good,” Warfield explained.
The school’s motto is “1689 occurrit 1979.” Its signature offerings will include certification in Barbershop Apologetics, as well as courses such as Grooming for the Podcast, Introduction to Microbrewery, and Contempt as a Spiritual Discipline.
Facial hair (including but not limited to goatees, mutton chops, handlebars, Fu Manchus, and chin puffs) will be required for admission. Ironic beards are welcome, but candidates so lacking in self-awareness as to be completely earnest will be given preference. Applicants with upper lip fuzz will be automatically waitlisted.