ATLANTA, GA—An official report released by the Center for Disease Control warned U.S. consumers Monday that kale is still utterly revolting, and advised citizens against eating the disgusting green cabbage in any form.
At a time when consumer fears are flaring up due to an ongoing E. coli outbreak tied to romaine lettuce, the CDC stated the agency wanted to make sure people were reminded that kale is really gross.
“Kale chips, kale salad, kale juice—it’s all pretty bad,” CDC director Robert R. Redfield told reporters at a special emergency press conference. “There’s not really a health concern at this time, but we just wanted everyone to remember that kale is gross. There are hundreds of decent varieties of cabbage and lettuce out there, so let’s try and avoid the kale whenever possible, mkay?”
Redfield further stated he wasn’t sure why people kept purchasing kale in various forms or adding it to perfectly good food items. “We’ve run all the numbers, looked at reports multiple times. It’s baffling,” he said. “The stuff literally tastes like a clump of dirt.”
“Please, if you love your family, stop buying kale,” he implored.
Breaking: PayPal Now Available
Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered PayPal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added PayPal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.