CHICAGO, IL—The Devil's Thugs are a notorious Chicago gang, dealing mostly in money laundering, people-shooting, and graffitiing their gang's name onto signs so you'll know they're legit. Their leader and founder, Bob Thug, was frightened this past Sunday as he heard police sirens coming toward their secret hideout, which is an abandoned warehouse that says "No Gangs in Here" on the sign out front.
When the violent gang member saw the flashing lights and SWAT teams heading his direction, he figured he was done for, so he was relieved to discover they were just raiding a dangerous church service nearby.
"Cheese it! It's the po-po!" he cried to his fellow gang members. They dropped their guns and stuffed bags of money into their pants as they fled the scene. But the cops never came into their abandoned warehouse. Peeking out the window, Thug saw the cops busting into a church across the street to stop the service from happening. "False alarm -- they're just taking out the Christians!"
Thug praised the police officers for their bravery. "You know, the cops and I don't always see eye to eye, but I'm glad they're stopping people who aren't social distancing, like churchgoers." He says the Devil's Thugs have strict rules to prevent the spread of coronavirus, such as making sure their criminals are always wearing masks when carrying out robberies and encouraging gang members to attack people with six-foot poles instead of the traditional baseball bat.
"We're even laundering the money twice to be extra-sanitary, yo."