CHICAGO, IL—Chicago Mayor Lori Lightfoot protected the citizens of Chicago yesterday by arresting a 7-year-old having a birthday party.
The mayor reportedly jumped in her car and drove over toward the boy's house, waving at looters, rioters, and murderers as she passed. Bricks, Molotov cocktails, and hand grenades flew over her car as she hurtled down the streets of Chicago, careening down alleyways and ripping through parking lots to get to the illegal party.
"Drop the cake and put your hands behind your head," Lightfoot said. "Nice and easy -- you're coming with me."
"The streets are now safe," Lightfoot said as she led the boy to a Chicago PD squad car. "The citizens of Chicago can rest easy knowing that unlawful gatherings like this party are being broken up."
"We feel much safer now that this maniac is behind bars," said one Chicagoan as he hid in his house from looters. "I was really worried when I heard that a few people were gathering for a party. Now I know we're safe."
"We were concerned she was coming to take us down," said one looter as he threw a brick into the window of a Target. "But she just passed us right on by. She definitely has her priorities in the right place."
On her way back from arresting the youngster, Lightfoot pulled over to lecture a rioter who wasn't wearing a mask. Once he had put his mask back on, she told him to go about his business.