U.S.—Chick-fil-A's popular mascot the Chick-fil-A Cow has announced his 2020 run on a platform of making the government run much more efficiently, being much more friendly to people, and of course, eating more chicken.
The cow's populist "Eat Mor Chikin" platform has gained the cow a significant following among evangelicals and people who like tasty chicken sandwiches, according to analysts. The cow is already polling at about a 97% approval rating among likely voters. The 3% are "weirdos who like McDonald's better for some reason and should probably be checked for mental illness."
"We'd all be better off with the cow running the country," said Chick-fil-A CEO Daniel Truett Cathy in his endorsement speech of Mr. Cow. "I know it, you know it, all of America knows it."
Mr. Cow has announced his platform positions, all of which have polled incredibly well among the nation's populace:
- Abortion: Stop killing babies and eat more chicken.
- Healthcare: Eat more chicken and you won't need healthcare.
- Immigration: Let people come to America so they can eat more chicken.
- Gay marriage: Who cares? Eat more chicken.
- Government spending: Open more Chick-fil-As to raise money, budget crisis solved. Then you have more time and money to eat more chicken.
- Foreign policy: Bomb other countries that have chickens so we can take them and eat them.
- Climate change: Stop raising cows for slaughter. Raise chickens instead. Then eat them.
These positions have resonated incredibly well with focus groups, according to Mr. Cow's campaign manager.
"What we've found is that Americans disagree on a lot, but they can all agree that delicious chicken sandwiches are good," said the manager. He then took a bite of a juicy, delicious classic chicken sandwich, causing Mr. Cow's approval ratings to skyrocket even higher somehow.
Political analysts have projected that the government will run 8,763% more efficiently once Chick-fil-A assumes power.