ATLANTA, GA—Chick-fil-A CEO Dan Cathy announced yesterday that his fast-food restaurant will be ending its long-standing policy on Sunday closure, but only for black people.
"We are leading the way towards racial reconciliation in this country," Cathy said. "And everyone knows the best way to achieve racial reconciliation is to segregate black people and make them feel as awkward as possible. Chick-fil-A is dedicated to providing the blacks with a safe space so that they can be properly honored."
Chick-fil-A will be providing racial justice training for all its employees. Sunday employees will all be required to wear traditional African Kente cloths as they serve food in the dining room. They will also offer to shine customer's sneakers for free as they eat. Most notably, there will also be a change to the traditional polite phrase uttered by every Chick-fil-A employee after their sacrificial acts of lovingkindness. When addressing white people, workers will still say "my pleasure!" When addressing people of color, workers will now say "my privilege!" while kneeling respectfully.
Further changes will be seen during the rest of the week as well. Dining rooms will be rearranged to provide a separate place of honor for minorities to sit. They will also be provided with separate bathrooms and drinking fountains. Chick-fil-A leadership insists that this new "separate and more equal" policy will make their restaurants bright shining beacons of racial reconciliation for the world to emulate.
"Chick-fil-A will always be a kind and welcoming place for the blacks, the Chinamen, and those people who wear that red dot on their foreheads," Cathy said. "Just please don't steal the sauces and we'll be cool. Or if you want to steal the sauces, that's ok too. We honor you."
Cathy also apologized for serving white meat and promised more diversity in the future.
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