PINEFALL, NV—In a move designed to attract more of the elusive men's demographic, Church of the Pines debuted its new room for checking your fantasy football team in the middle of the service. The room replaces the old, outdated nursing mothers' room.
Men are encouraged not to distract from the service by whipping their phone out during the sermon, but instead to excuse themselves to the new Fantasy Football Room, where they can make last-minute adjustments and cheer on their star players to their hearts' content.
"If you want to reach millennial males, you've got to innovate," said lead vision pastor Andrew Bries. "Women typically come to church anyway. We can't keep them away! They can nurse their babies in the car, for all I care. But men—men are the white whales of church growth. And we're gonna nab 'em with this move."
The room was instantly packed on its debut Sunday, with men cramming into the small space to see how many rushing yards their starting RBs were racking up.
According to sources at the church, men can continue watching the service through the glass and hear the service audio through a set of speakers, but they quickly drew the blinds and turned down the volume so they could have a "little more serenity" to check their fantasy football teams.
Breaking: PayPal Now Available
Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered PayPal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added PayPal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.