SEATTLE, WA—Amid coronavirus fears, every worship band member at Grace Gracious Gracely Church will be forced to play in a drum cage.
"Out of an abundance of caution, everyone will now be caged," Pastor Jake said. "This will help us control the sound coming from the stage as well as the coronavirus." The bassist, lead guitarist, backup guitarist, backup backup guitarist, and eight female singers will all be in a drum cage, along with the drummer, as usual.
"The backup singers' mics aren't even on, though, so I guess they don't need to sing and risk spreading the virus," he added. "They're really just up there for the looks.
Church drummer Hal "Backbone" Martinez was somewhat smug. "See how it feels, guys? It's demeaning," he said. "I told them all along that it was dehumanizing and impersonal. They never listened. Well, now they'll see. Now they'll all see. I've got the last laugh! Hahahaha!"
"Hey, Hal... can you keep it down?" the worship leader said. "You're a little too loud back there, as usual."