SUN VALLEY, CA—Elders at Gracious Grace Christian Church confirmed Wednesday they've installed a trapdoor that activates if a woman approaches the pulpit.
The trapdoor is connected to an advanced estrogen detector. As soon as the detection system senses an elevated level of estrogen, whether from a woman or an effeminate progressive preacher, the trapdoor activates, sending the woman plummeting hundreds of feet down into a padded holding cell for reeducation.
Last Sunday, a woman was invited to give the announcements. She was supposed to use the music stand but approached the pulpit instead.
"Hannah, no!" screamed her husband, but it was too late.
"Hey guys, I just want to share what's on my heart regarding the upcoming church pic---ahhhhhh!!!!" she screamed as she fell to her doom.
Teaching pastor John J. Johnson shrugged when asked about the incident. "Honestly, Hannah knew the dangers when she volunteered to give announcements. We need to utilize discernment in our approach to church hierarchy. If a woman tells you that the potluck is next Sunday, how can you know that it's really happening?"