ORANGE, CA—In an effort to boost the church’s income and provide introverted church members with an easy way to get into the church without talking to a single person, Tradewinds Church recently debuted a small, coin-operated side door that allows attendees to bypass the greeters, the crowds, and anyone else they might otherwise encounter on their way to their favorite seat.
The side door will unlock upon the deposit of several quarters, letting church members avoid talking to absolutely anybody.
“For just $1.00 on Sunday morning services and $0.50 on Sunday evening and weekday services, visitors and members alike can now bypass our greeters and get right down to business,” head pastor Lou Randall told reporters. “Rates may be higher on holidays and special event Sundays, of course, based on demand.”
“We think it’s a great value for our introverted church members,” he added.
Unfortunately, dozens of congregants mobbed the new entrance upon its introduction, prompting the church to introduce a larger, more expensive, premium set of coin-operated doors, where the truly introverted church member can avoid everybody for just $15.00 per service.