Church
Church Introverts Applaud Pope For Slapping Woman Aggressively Trying To Shake His Hand

U.S.—The nation's church introverts applauded the Pope for slapping a woman's hand after she yanked him in and refused to let go.

Protestants and Catholics alike united to praise the Pope for taking a stand against the aggressive extravert. Though this Pope has been a controversial one, everyone agreed that it was OK for Christians to use physical force to stop outgoing people from attacking them with their greetings.

"I don't agree with this Pope on most things, but he did the right thing here," said Andrea Vagras, a church introvert from Seattle. "Honestly, he's emboldened me to slap the heavens out of those old ladies who insist on moving in for a big hug, what with their giant, scary hats and way too much perfume."

Churches across the country, both Catholic and Protestant, have even begun implementing new "Pope Slap" policies, inspired by Pope Francis's self-defense maneuver. The policies allow introverted church members to defend themselves from annoying social butterflies with karate chops, open-handed slaps, and even sucker punches. Many posted signs in their foyers saying things like, "If you go in for the hug, you'll be on the rug," "Too much yap, you get the slap,"  and "Shake introverts' hands at your own risk."

You must become a premium subscriber or login to view or post comments on this article.