Church
Church Visitor Burned At Stake For Sitting In Seat Clearly Reserved By Bulletin

LYTLE, AZ—Local church visitor Brad McDowell was tragically burned at the stake Sunday afternoon after sitting in a seat that was clearly already reserved by the sacred ritual of setting a church bulletin on the chair.

Lytle Community Church ushers gently tapped McDowell on the shoulder, informed him of his infraction, and escorted him to the church's bonfire used for serious violations like sitting in a seat clearly reserved by a bulletin.

"We hate to see him go," said usher Brent as deacons began piling up wood and kindling beneath the bound, scared visitor's feet. "He's dressed well and seemed polite. Probably woulda been a faithful tither."

He crossed his arms, sighed, and shook his head. "But rules are rules. If you get lax on this stuff, the next thing you know, your church descends into a free-for-all, anything goes deathmatch for seating positions."

At publishing time, sources had also been able to confirm that a second visitor was burned at the stake for sitting in the front row.

Get Free Access To Our Brand New Site: Not the Bee

After creating The Babylon Bee in six literal days, Adam Ford rested. But he rests no longer. Introducing Not the Bee — a brand new humor-based news site run by Adam himself. It's loaded with funny content and all the best features of a social network. And the best part? Everyone with a subscription to The Bee gets full access at no extra cost.

Get FREE Access

*with premium subscription to The Babylon Bee

You must become a premium subscriber or login to view or post comments on this article.