Churches Scramble To Widen Doorways As Congregants Return From Quarantine 50 Pounds Heavier

U.S.—More churches are being forced to widen their doors so returning congregants can fit through them.

Churches rushed to widen their doorways by a good foot or two so congregants could fit through the doors and make it into the sanctuary.

"Frankly, it's a real problem," said Pastor Leo Matterson of Calvarystonecornerchristjourney Church in the San Gabriel Valley. "We opened our doors this Sunday. We even have those really big double doors, but it wasn't enough. We had to upgrade the double door to the new triple door."

"Come one, come all -- even if we have to butter up the doorway to get you inside."

Those churches that failed to make adequate doorway preparations encountered disaster as congregants desperate for the preaching of the Word and fellowship of the saints simply crashed through the walls like the Kool-Aid Man, leaving large, human-shaped holes in the wall behind them. 

Many churches are also reporting a massive spike in the number of broken pews thanks to the flood of overweight congregants returning to church.

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