REINER, SD—Many evangelical churches put on "hell house" attractions, attempting to use the imagery of Halloween to scare children into the Kingdom, just like the Bible tells us to. But one local church may have taken things too far: First Baptist Church put on a spooky haunted house that was just two hours of church small talk.
Horrified visitors from the community entered the haunted house and were paralyzed with fear upon discovering it wasn't filled with ghosts, goblins, or witches, but with extroverted people trying to shake your hand and ask about your week.
The church even locked the doors behind hapless haunted house attendees, ensuring they would be compelled to make small talk for hours on end. After they were finally let free, visitors were given a gospel tract and the opportunity to accept Christ and attend the church's remote streaming services, so they never have to talk to anybody again.
"We knew these things could be scary, but we wouldn't have gone in if we'd known it would just be a time of forced church greetings," said one mother from the surrounding neighborhood. "My kids are going to be scarred for life. Who on earth thought this was a good idea?" Several visitors even fainted and had to be transported to a local hospital after one too many church folk asked them about "this fine weather we're having."
Director Scott Derrickson is expected to make a feature film covering the extremely horrifying haunted house shortly after Doctor Strange 2 wraps. "The supernatural is real, and it can be terrifying," he said. "If you thought Emily Rose or Sinister was scary, just wait until you see unsuspecting victims forced into an awkward half-hug for hours. Truly chilling."