Politics
CNN: 'Death Star Destroys Alderaan In Mostly Peaceful Demonstration'

U.S.—The media is reporting that the Death Star has blown up Alderaan in a "mostly peaceful" demonstration of the superweapon's destructive capabilities.

"The demonstration of the superweapon was mostly calm, mostly peaceful," said a CNN reporter on a deck of the Death Star as millions of voices cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced. "Everyone on the bridge here was very orderly. Only a couple of people have been Force-choked. Most are fine."

"Everything is fine down here, how are you?"

The BBC reported that the display of the space station's planet-destroying powers was civil, organized, and "largely non-violent." An MSNBC reporter on the planet said that "Everybody here is really peaceful AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!" as he exploded. So everyone was pretty much in agreement that everything was "pretty chill."

The Empire was next going to peacefully protest on Dantooine but decided that planet was too remote to make an effective demonstration, being one of those "fly-over" planets. A new peaceful protest has been planned for Yavin IV, with a violent counter-protest planned by the Proud Boys.

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