ATLANTA, GA—Anchors at CNN headquarters have made a bold statement of unwavering faith after the Mueller Report revealed no actual evidence that Trump colluded with Russia. "We believe in collusion with all our hearts and will never let the world's teachings get in the way of that," said Jim Acosta while mumbling mantras quietly in a room misty with burning incense.
"If God allowed this report to be written in the manner that it was, He did so to test our unshakable faith in what we know to be true," said Anderson Cooper.
"We believe in the one true Russian collusion, the one that was spoken into truth and made real far before any evidence was brought before this dark world," added Natalie Allen.
All of the anchors began to speak in unison, reciting their statement of faith with eye closed and hands raised:
We believe the true Mueller Report, regardless of the one released by men.
We believe that there is collusion, eternally existent in the person of Trump and the country of Russia.
We believe in the infallibility of the media, sinless, miraculous. We will redeem humankind.
We believe that for the salvation of lost and sinful man, collusion is absolutely essential.
We believe in the collusion of Trump and Russia. All statements and evidence that purports to contradict that truth are lies of the Dark Lord.
Forever and ever, amen.
The anchors then began speaking in tongues and weeping while tearing at their garments.
Reporters fled after Acosta got out the poisonous snakes.
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