KABUL—Approximately twelve minutes after U.S. troops withdrew from Afghanistan, Taliban fighters have completely taken over the entire country.
"Woah, that's a bummer," said the Biden Administration's foreign policy team. "We didn't see that one coming."
As the Taliban began its campaign of shooting and killing, as is their time-honored tradition, CNN anchors gushed with praise after noticing all the Taliban fighters were responsibly wearing masks to protect themselves and others from COVID.
"Wow! In the midst of the battle and bloodshed, these noble desert knights of Islamic superiority are wearing masks! Bravo!" said Brian Stelter.
TV anchor and world-renown polemicist Don Lemon was also quick to weigh in. "All things considered, we ought to be praising the COVID-safe masks these majestic mujahideen warriors are wearing," he said.
"They are showing all of us the proper way to behave during a pandemic—something those horrible idiot Trump supporters don't seem to get."
Inspired by their example, the Biden Administration has invited the Taliban to the White House to record TikTok videos in hopes of convincing Trump supporters to get vaccinated.