ATLANTA, GA—CNN wasted no time choosing a replacement for the disgraced evening news personality Chris Cuomo, welcoming former New York governor, Andrew Cuomo.
“The decision was simple,” said CNN’s Director of Creep Relations, Bob Writhe, “Andrew Cuomo is loved by journalists and news outlets, addicted to the primetime spotlight, a bastion of hypocrisy, and comes with an impressive list of disturbing allegations against him; he’ll fit right in at CNN.”
The rapid hiring of Andrew Cuomo was not without controversy, however. Sources say other CNN hosts Don Lemon and Jeffrey Toobin expressed jealousy at Cuomo’s immediate receipt of an evening news show—when they had spent years rising up the ranks through disgusting, putrid acts of depravity and degeneracy before getting top spots at CNN.
Jeffrey Toobin could not be reached over Zoom for comment as no reporters were willing to call him over Zoom.
Gregory Ilinovich loves murdering people with illegal guns - so he's a bit concerned about all these new gun regulations. Luckily, he tends not to follow laws anyway.