Worldviews
Coca-Cola Holds Training Telling Polar Bears To Be Less White

ATLANTA, GA—Coca-Cola held training last week telling its polar bear mascots to be less white, sources within the company confirmed Thursday.

A leaked slideshow trains the polar bears to stop being so white and to be more like black and brown bears.

"You must all be less white," said the diversity trainer, polar bear Roarbin DiArctico. "You must examine yourselves to find the whiteness within and eliminate all traces of it. Just by being born a polar bear, you automatically become an oppressor of black bears, brown bears, grizzly bears, and all other BOC around the world."

One polar bear protested, saying he's actually black underneath and it's just the outer fur that's white. He was told that facts are tools of polar bear supremacy, and by protesting the idea that he might be a bear racist, he was in fact perpetuating bear racism. He's been assigned an extra thousand hours of diversity training before he'll be allowed back in Coca-Cola commercials.

At publishing time, one of the polar bears had tried to comply with the mandate by painting himself black, offending black bears everywhere and causing him to be fired.

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