Cold-Hearted Husband Refuses To Stop And Adopt Family Of Raccoons

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Local cold-hearted man Kyle Halpert was described as a "monster" and a "heartless sociopath" after he gently turned down his wife's request to pull over and adopt a family of raccoons on the side of the road Wednesday.

"AWWWW, BABE! Look, they're SO SQUISHY!" said his wife, Holly. "I want them. Pull over, babe! BABE! PULL OVER!"

"I will love them and hold them and squeeze them forever and ever."

The soulless sadist responded with a soft but firm, "Babe, we can't just adopt every animal you see on the side of the road," confirming his wife's suspicions that he is a completely unreasonable, uncaring, and unfeeling human being with no heart or emotions to speak of. "They could be rabid. You might get rabies," the total jerk continued.

The drive continued on in silence, with Holly sulking in the passenger seat, her mind filled with images of the poor raccoons being abandoned in the cold instead of living in her home, where they would be loved and cherished and look so incredibly cute.

At publishing time, the stone-hearted brute had refused to pull over and adopt a pack of coyote pups.

In the social justice system, words are considered violence. In New York City, the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious attacks are members of an elite squad known as the Microaggression Victims Unit. These are their stories.

Subscribe to The Babylon Bee on YouTube
There are 65 comments on this article.

You must become a premium subscriber or login to view or post comments on this article.

Get the Bee delivered straight to your inbox: