LAKEWOOD, CO—Christian baker Jack Phillips was forced by a state Cake Enforcement Unit Wednesday to bake a cake celebrating the possible future closure of his own business.
A far-left activist group was throwing a party to celebrate the fact that Phillips has found himself in legal trouble yet again, despite winning a Supreme Court case earlier this year, and phoned the Masterpiece Cakeshop to order a cake with the words “DOWN WITH MASTERPIECE CAKESHOP!” written in frosting on top. When Phillips turned down the request, CEU units arrived on the scene, kicked down the unlocked front door of his shop, and forced him to bake the cake at gunpoint.
“All we want in the great state of Colorado is freedom and tolerance—by force if necessary,” said CEU Lieutenant Frank Mann. “If someone says to bake a cake, you bake it—no questions asked.” Mann went on to clarify that this principle doesn’t apply if you’re a gay baker asked to bake an anti-gay cake or a Jewish baker asked to bake a cake for neo-Nazis.
A trembling Phillips baked the cake as agents kept several assault rifles pointed at his head. When they were satisfied with his art produced entirely under duress, they left the shop and hand-delivered the cake to the pro-LGBT celebration.
“Tolerance wins again!” said a representative for the state of Colorado.