NEW YORK, NY—Sources confirmed Monday that school officials at Columbia University have instituted a new program to help students alert professors and other undergrads to potential microaggressions, with each pupil at the prestigious university being given a whistle to blow whenever they witness a microagression or begin to feel microaggressed against themselves.
Columbia students are reportedly encouraged to blow their whistle and flail their arms wildly about in the air whenever they hear triggering phrases such as “Where are you from?” “Nice weather today,” or “Hello.”
University president Lee Bollinger stated the initiative is already paying dividends, with numerous reports of near-constant loud whistle blasts constantly being heard in common areas, dorm rooms, bathrooms, dining halls, and classrooms.
“One of our history professors warmly greeted his class and asked how their weekend was,” Bollinger said, “without realizing he was microaggressing students who are uncomfortable with the Gregorian calendar. So they were able to slam him with ear-shattering whistle blasts for the rest of the class period.”
“Our university is now a constant cacophony of whistle blasts. Progress!” he added.